I Have To Choose Nothing

 Photo by  Thomas Martinsen  on  Unsplash
 

How many times have you woken up feeling like you are so dehydrated you could float away but your fat, heavy head is holding you down? 

How many times have you, after groggily making sense of why you feel so miserable, cringed at one or many things you said or did the night before while you were DRUNK?

For me, I honestly couldn't begin to count the times. Me and alcohol go way back. 

In fact, just yesterday I puked eight times (yeah, eight) between the hours of 4:30am and noon. Why? Because I have a problem with alcohol. I'm an ALL or NOTHING kind of gal and the reality is that I have to choose nothing.

I've sworn to myself a gajillion times that I'd never drink again. Then, by the end of the day I'd be ready for a glass of wine. Make that a bottle. Or two. 

These days, I can't handle two bottles of wine. I start to feel warm and fuzzy after half a drink sometimes. Still, every time I drink - even if it's only one or two - I regret it. 

Let's take a relevant detour for a moment...

Our bodies are pretty magical. They know what's up when our brains are too dumb to comprehend. And the best part is that our bodies SIGNAL us all the time. Like, all. the. time. Whether it's a signal to follow something good or to swerve from something bad, our bodies and the higher power connection that is within each of us are communicating with our brains 24/7. 

We, like dummies, choose not to listen.

Also, there's this whole thing: "When you know better, you do better." Ever heard that saying/quote? Yeah, it's so NOT true. 

We know better. We know better than eating shit McDonald's food but we do it anyway. We know better than sitting on our bums all day and choosing not to exercise but we still skip it. We know not to be glued to our devices 24/7 because it's hurting our brains and our relationships but we do it anyway. We know not to guzzle two bottles of wine but we do it anyway... or, at least I do.

A lot of times, we know better but we don't do better. 

This truth has been on my mind so much lately and has really helped fuel my desire to live more intentionally. It's part of the reason I decided to start a blog again. 

Back to the booze...

My body tells me, every single time I'm in a situation when I can drink, that I need to stay away. Like, not one sip. Just avoid. Decline. Say NO.

I don't know exactly when the signals started coming so strongly. Maybe it's progressively gotten more persistent and strong after years of living the first two sentences of this blog over and over and over and over and over again.

How many times have you woken up feeling like you are so dehydrated you could float away but your fat, heavy head is holding you down? 

How many times have you, after groggily making sense of why you feel so miserable, cringed at one or many things you said or did the night before while you were DRUNK?

Over the past year or so, I've really stayed away from drinking for the most part. There have been times I've opted in for a drink or two and, like a couple days ago, there have been occasions when I've spiraled into ohhhh 5 or more, but no matter the amount of beverages, I wake up feeling the same. 

disappointed. frustrated. angry. cloudy.

For instance, one day recently at work we had cocktail hour. It was a Friday and it had been a crazy busy couple of weeks. I knew my body was telling me no but in an effort to not feel like I had to explain why I wasn't drinking, I opted for a 1/2 glass of wine. 

Well, our cocktail hour ended up carrying on for an hour or so. Fun conversation with people I truly enjoy. And after I super slowly drank my 1/2 glass I thought to myself, "Heck, this isn't so bad. I'll just pour another splash." 

And another splash. And another. And another. Until I had consumed probably 2 full glasses of wine. 

Then, I came home and we turned on music and cracked open a bottle of wine we keep on hand at the house. I only had 1/2 of that glass at home.

It seems innocent, right? 2 1/2 glasses of wine on a Friday evening. That's NORMAL, right? 

Unfortunately, yes, it's totally normal. Alcohol use is so glamorized in our culture. So glamorized and so common that when we choose NOT to drink we stick out like a sore thumb.

Isn't it fascinating that I went from I don't really want to drink but I will just have a tiny bit to singing and dancing around my kitchen enjoying my third glass of wine? Or, most recently, I'll just have a couple of glasses for the celebration to running to the toilet to hurl for the eighth time with a pounding headache and blood vessels popping out under my eyes and on my eyelids.

THIS is why I have to choose sobriety.

I clearly do not have the willpower to stick to one drink. I'm like a can of Pringles. Once I pop, the fun don't stop. Except it's not fun. It's alcohol flow. Which, at the time does feel like fun but it's really one of life's biggest illusions. 

I'm 32 years old, y'all. I'm too old for this shit. I know better and it's time to do better. 

Did this resonate? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!


My intention is to share my journey here on the Finding Steady blog. If this blog about alcohol resonates with you, I encourage you to sign up for my Love Notes. I try to drop Love Notes into your inbox once a week and include bits of encouragement, tips, and the newest blogs. xo