Being Comfortable with No

Originally Posted March 5, 2018

if you're one of those people who are easily able to set boundaries and say "no"... i'm hating on you pretty hard right now... in a jealous way.

for some of us, it comes easily. but for most of us if effing sucks. it's icky, uncomfortable, and downright stressful.

because we naturally want to accommodate everyone! like, everyone.

which is impossible, for the record.

we're people pleasers. we want to be loved. we want to be liked. we want to save the day, lighten the load, serve.

and they're some amazing desires! really, truly good desires. the problem is when we say "yes" to the things that are clearly and obviously not for us. not good for us. not in our best interest. not in the best interest of the greater good. and, simply put, the things that just don't feel good to us.

by the way, that's our gut/intuition/angels/guides talking to us.

listen up, buttercup.

when your gut tells you the answer is no and you choose to sit there and ponder and debate and continue to inquire and on and on and on... you just chose not to honor yourself.

for me, it comes up mostly in the form of anxiety. sometimes it comes up just as a clear knowing. it's almost so clear and obvious that i just can't stand it and i have to question why i'm feeling that way. because, why can anything be that simple? right?

wrong! so, so wrong.

i'm preaching to myself here - you just happen to be reading my inner therapy sesh - when i say: woman, go with you gut!!!!!!!!

for example:

i was presented with a cool opportunity that i knew from the get-go was not right for me. yet, i continued to entertain the idea. i continued to swim around in all of the shiny, attractive parts until i caved. i said yes when i wanted to - and knew i should - say no. i said yes to the idea, to the sales pitch, to the potential success, and ultimately to the longing for friendship. but not to the opportunity itself.

was it the worst decision ever? no way! but it wasn't right for me and i knew it but i consciously went against what i knew to be right for me.

let me say that again, loud (large) and clear:

i consciously went against what i knew to be right for me.

how effed up is that? yet we do it every single day.

here's another example:

recently i was presented the opportunity to volunteer for a fabulous cause but i chose not to because my gut said "hey, you! remember that when you put yourself in these situations you make yourself ILL? so, yeah, let's skip this one."

great. passed. moving on...

until i was put on the spot and my blood pressure nearly popped my head off.

i got home and blew my husband's ears up.

"i don't know what to do. i feel so bad. but i really don't want to do it. and now i feel bad because i chose not to help. but i know it's not right for me. i know it's not something i want to do. but i feel so guilty. because i was asked, and i said no, i feel so guilty. am i wrong? should i have helped? but it makes me so uncomfortable. and i have a lot of stuff i need to get done. and a lot of things i want to do. shit. now i feel like an ass. i'm such an ass. i'm so selfish. but i know that saying no is best for me right now. but nobody else will understand that. it seems so silly. why would that make me anxious? it's ridiculous and nobody will get it. they'll think i'm crazy. shit. i should have just sucked it up. i'm such an ass."

what the actual hell?

do you see what's so jacked up about those thoughts, the words that actually came out of my mouth? let me break it down.

1. opportunity
2. decision to decline
3. feel good about decision
3. encounter subtle guilt probe
4. feel like massive pile of shit and know for sure i'm a horrible person and i'm going to hell.

for the love of everything holy: we must become comfortable with saying "no"

let me be clear. i understand that we all have to make sacrifices and experience situations that are uncomfortable and undesirable. it's life. the problem is when going against our truth becomes an everyday thing fueled by fear and guilt.

here are 3 steps to saying "no" with more confidence + ease:

1. create a daily practice to sit with yourself. meditate. think. journal. practice self love and respect. get comfortable with the silence, with your thoughts, and with your feelings around the thoughts. this will help you tune in clearly and effortlessly to your intuition and know what it feels like to receive the signals from the gut.

2. make a list of your top 3-5 priorities and core values and define your personal mission. if an opportunity or request doesn't align with your clearly and consciously established priorities, values, and mission then it isn't right for you.

3. take a deep breath, bring yourself back to that place of self love and respect that you're practicing during step 1, and confidently say "no."

our light shines even more brightly when we honor ourselves.

and the world needs our light. and we physically cannot do everything all the time. so listen to your gut, weed out the things that you know aren't for you, and stand firmly and confidently in your choices.

{by the way, i'm pretty sure this blog post wouldn't exist if i hadn't stuck to my guns.}